21 May 2006

Stanky

People think I'm kidding when I say that it can snow in Buffalo in May... the end of May, to be precise. But in trying to improve our image, they give the offical forecast as "rainy, cloudy, windy," but in the "Special Weather Statement," it gets spelled out a little more clearly:

"A LARGE LOW PRESSURE SYSTEM PARKED OVER EASTERN CANADA WILL BRING UNSEASONABLY COLD AIR ACROSS OUR REGION OVER THE NEXT 36 HOURS. THE COLD AIR WILL BE ACCOMPANIED BY RAIN SHOWERS TONIGHT, WHICH WILL MIX WITH SOME WET SNOW AT TIMES. BRISK NORTHWEST WINDS WILL COMBINE WITH TEMPERATURES IN THE 30S TO PRODUCE A RAW CHILL IN THE AIR. "

Well, now, isn't that special? (I'll let you insert your own Dana Carvey impression there.)

And just for the record, what the h*** is a Special Weather Statement? You just want to sucker punch us by putting the blinking message at the top of our website when we log in to figure out what to wear to work on Monday morning? The fools don't check the Special Statement and think Armegeddon is coming when they get snow on their lunchbreak, but the smart and curious ones get to spend all Sunday evening in a funk because of your Specialness?

Of course, being a knitter, I could combat these wet snows (grrr) with a new wool sweater had I been able to seam up my finished Lara this weekend. But she is stanky, major nasty wet animal stanky. I put her down on the bed for a little blockaroo, and had to open the windows because I thought a whole herd had taken residence in there. And I'm a farm girl, people, I've had a little experience with stanky animals.

The p.u. factor goes a little something like this:

1 the daily dump of doo on my sidewalk every morning from a neighbor's pup

3 Saturday morning farm auctions downwind from the Amish farmers who haven't showered since last Saturday night

5 the chicken building on a hot August afternoon when I'm ticked off that my little brother wouldn't gather the eggs no matter how much I offered to buy him off

7 the pig lot when the lagoons would turn over (or unsettle or gurgle up or whatever they did) (For the city readers, this is a bad thing, I won't even try to explain for fear of wounding you for life. Let's just say that this lagoon is definitely not the kind a younger Brooke Shields would jump in for some hanky panky. )

9 my new sweater

Right now I've banished the untouchable item to a plastic bag with a stack of dryer sheets. Eucalan wasn't making a dent on the olfactory offenses here. I'm just hoping that the candles in the bedroom will eliminate enough of the funk so I can sleep. Maybe the frigid temps will dull the nose nerves as well since the window's been cracked all day.

And just to add insult to injury, I decided on a smoothie (well, truth to be told, a good old-fashioned milkshake) for dinner and my blender burnt up. Right now, I'm enjoying the stench and heat of a burnt out motor as a welcome respite to animal planet in my living room.

I'm going to go hide under a big blanket and knit something simple and odorless. And that's news worthy of a Special Statement.

1 comment:

krisknits2 said...

Oh my - having grown up in the country on a farmette just past a pig farm... that must be one horrendous odor! Hopefully it calms down a bit.