Travel Like a Rock Star

The next time I decide to travel like a rock star, I’m going to be a rock star… or at least whip out the Visa like one. Surely, were I a real rock star, these things would not be part of my trip.

If I was a rock star…

1. I would not have had the housekeeping lady banging on my door the first morning of my arrival, screaming at me while I was trying to put a shirt on and get to the door.
2. She would have actually taken the cigarette out of her mouth to yell at me to get my a$$ out the door since it was past check-out time… despite the fact that I wasn’t supposed to check out for three more days.
3. I would have had my assistant do a much better job of writing down the actual building where my conference was, not just the street corner. Thus, I would have been able to avoid wandering around the dormitories looking for someone to help me find where the grown-ups were.
4. I would not be discovering gross stains on the bedspread… after I’d already slept under it.
5. I would not be greeted with a “pool closed” sign when I trekked out with my essays to grade and sunscreen to apply.
6. I would not have to grade essays, period.
7. My waiter would actually be polite when he threw my chimichanga at me.
8. My hotel would really be “minutes from the park and university,” and not minutes away in a car doing 80.
9. I would not be hollered at by a scary man in a rusty Jeep just because I chose to walk down the street, clearly something foreign to Carolinians.
10. My bodyguard would talk care of said Jeep man when he circled the block twice to ask me if I wanted a ride.
11. I would have had fine dining options outside of Wendy’s and Captain D’s.
12. If I chose to go to Captain D’s, I would not be asked why I didn’t have my church clothes on when I went to get lunch on a Sunday.
13. I also would be able to eat my lunch at a table by myself without having to listen to three different tables talk about the strange girl would was sitting alone.
14. My 400 pound cab driver would not show up at my hotel wearing a thin Hanes t-shirt 4 sizes too small, boxer shorts as outerwear and white knee socks with his sandals.
15. He also would not ask if I wanted to stop and buy him a doughnut since we were driving past Krispy Kremes.
16. Nor would he spend nearly 10 minutes discussing White Castle hamburgers and how the grease made ‘em easier to eat.
17. He also would not pull up next to a car and scream, “How can you listen to that crap?”
18. When I finally got to the airport, ready to settle in with decent coffee and some Wi-Fi, the counter girl would be on this planet. Really, I had no idea ordering a coffee and pastry could involve a lengthy negotiation.

I’m a simple girl, really. I don’t need adoring fans or even a chocolate on my pillow. But hey, a clean pillow for watching Law & Order marathons would be nice.

So, I’m not a rock star, but I’m begrudgingly realizing that I’m a grown-up and no longer find “adventures” in flea-bag hotels to be enjoyable. My “personal assistant” (i.e., me, myself and I) will need to do a much better job of planning future travels. She at least better call and check to see how often they change the sheets.