Flip Flops No More

Do you ever have one of those moments where a Sex and the City episode happens in real life? Although I didn't get to pick which episode I wanted to be in, last night I got to be Carrie, just for a few.

There's a brief moment that stuck in my memory when Carrie reaches for a blanket in the middle of the night and comments about that act that happens every year, about this time, when you want to sleep with the window open and listen to the breeze or in my case, the rain, but you have to get an extra blanket.

Fall's coming... and that makes me a very, very happy girl.

But I've already told you that fall is my favorite season... and I won a prize for it.

Patty, my gracious Secret Pal 8 hostess, chose my name as one of her bookmark/stitch marker winners for answering a set of questions. She even coordinated her beading with my favorite colors. Thanks, Patty! I've already put the bookmark in my bedtime book to remind me of the quickly passing days of flip flop wearing.

Ahoy, Mateys!

Well, I don’t know how the other boxes are faring, but poor Henry the Navigator has had his first adventure. While I was lolly-gagging about in bed this week (with a fever, not with any company, dirty minded mother!), seems poor Henry was being held hostage in the depths of that scary, uncharted territory… my local post office. Shoot, Henry thought he’d done something when he’d discovered his way ‘round Africa and established trading routes with the Indies, but boy he learned a lot in [insert scary, ominous music] the back room, where commoners fear to tred.

Luckily Kari and Amanda were on his trail and roused me from my sleeping-sock knitting-drooling coma to tend to our wayward sailor. And we all know nothing makes a girl feel better than knowing she has sock yarn awaiting her!

So, with much finagling, bartering, pleading, whining, and such silliness, I was able to convince the post office that yes, in fact, I was back in town (since I was standing in front of them) and that yes, I’d like my mail (that they were supposed to deliver four days ago). Seems there’s a policy that “held until a specific date” actually means “held until we have a slow day and decide to send the new guy back into the dark corners of our fine facility to find stacks of unpaid bills and unclaimed fruitcakes from four Christmas mailings ago.” Well, Henry finally emerged, we dusted off the fruitcake droppings and got to the serious business of cracking him open.

Wanna see?

Henry comes to us from Minneapolis, one of my favorite cities. Seriously, have you been there? It's so clean. It's like all the citizens stay warm by picking up every stray gum wrapper on the sidewalk. Amazingly cool place.

Well, I'll certainly never shoot Henry's travels for National Geographic, that's for sure. So since this photo doesn't let you tell at all what goodies were waiting in the green tissue paper, let me tell you about them...

• a toe-up pattern which looks detailed enough for even me to follow
• one of the mini keychain sock blockers (which may be the perfect size project for me to actually finish before Rhinebeck)
• a blue chibi (which I needed and was on my "to buy" list... good call, Kari!)
• a cute, snarky notepad which says "she liked imiginary men best of all," (not necessarily, but I do think imaginary ones are the only ones that I can put up with for longer than a month)
• and of course, chocolate! This may be the first time I've managed to photograph the chocolate before eating it.

Hmmm, but wait, what about the yarn? Yeah, I know you're all just here for the yarn porn. Well, don't worry, I gotcha covered.

Sunshine Yarns Black Olive Stripe... very cool. I did some Google sleuthing and have found a pair of Jaywalkers in progress with this but I may just do something wild and crazy and use the pattern Kari sent me. Toe-up makes me a little nervous, but since it looks like my sock training partner has braved that adventure already, I'll just sit behind her in class and copy her notes.

So, all Yarn Aboarders out there, sorry about my post office kerflunkal. Henry and I are going to explore Buffalo a bit today before he wings his way onto the next locale. Who will be getting sock yarn next? Stay tuned...

Doctor, Doctor

Some of you may have secret pals which have assisted your knitting stash. Others may have secret pals which have assisted your waist line with all that yummy candy snuck into each package. Well, I’m happy to report that my secret pal seems to have a knack for assisting my health woes, although the case is still out on whether she helps me over illness or makes me sick.
I’m not so good at the whole cause and effect scenario here (logic, timelines, bah, who needs it), but let’s look at this CSI-style. It seems that there is some sort of chaos-complexity-voodoo-big-bang-earth-is-flat-theory relationship between receiving my secret pal packages and coming down with illnesses, common and otherwise.

So, knitters of the jury, let’s decide…Secret Pal Christina, Yarn Doctor or Germ Lady?

The last time I try to go home to visit the fam, I forget how to read, make my reservation for the wrong day, and end up in bed all weekend taking phone calls about how wonderful my birthday party is. But, I get to enjoy nice baths all weekend, with hand-crocheted wash cloths and bath stuffs courtesy of my secret pal. Now don’t trust me on this one, but I’m pretty sure I got the package, then had the airplane debacle. Hmm, sounds suspicious? Maybe, I really didn’t forget how to read and the Germ Lady got into the computer system with her magic ways and got it all kerflunked so I’d have to stay home and take long, luxurious baths and brag about her wonderful secret pal ways? Awful suspicious…

And that first package, all innocent with the Trekking yarn? Let’s see, since I received that yarn, I’ve had the strangest disease in my fingers… mustknitsockitis. Y’all know it’s fatal. Once contracted, mustknitsockitis causes sufferers to abandon any other activity using their fingers… no more calling grandma, dusting, writing dissertations, or dialing up the pizza delivery boy. Just hours and hours lounging on the couch with fingers unable to be pried off the sock needles. Dreadful, just dreadful… Yep, she gave me that one!

However, it must be said that she did provide the only known cure. Those afflicted with mustknitsockitis have been witnessed to actually put down the socks in order to unwrap a piece of chocolate. Hmm, the plot thickens…

Well, I suppose I should just get down to business here and give you the facts on the latest round of pressies.

Fact #1
Upon returning from a boooooring two-day drive back to my humble abode, I receive an inconspicuous brown envelope full of yarn and sundry goodies.

Lots o' goodies: farm magnets and a funny farm calendar (how'd she know what the family homestead was like?); cute little notebook for all my knitting schemes; tape measure; and yarn, glorious yarn... yeah, better pics of that to come

Fact #2
Upon opening (tearing open with wild abandon, actually) said brown envelope and commencing my unpacking from my two-week travels, I am struck with a fever and throat so sore it actually kept me quiet for days.

Fact #3
As I was fresh out of healthy foods such as bean sprouts and broccoli (yeah, right, like I ever keep that healthy stuff around here), I was forced to sustain my fevered self on fine chocolates shipped in from California.

imagine seeing a picture of chocolates here... I snarked them down too fast to take documentary evidence

Fact #4
As I was also bored out of my gourd while alternating between sleeping, freezing, sweating and checking my temperature yet again, I just had to spend time researching the best possible uses of two gorgeous skeins of yarn. (And no, I couldn’t spend the same time researching silly little things like novels because I had a fever. Can’t work with a fever, right?)

Mmm, Yarn Place Graceful laceweight... geeeee-orgeous. The color is, of course, off here, but it's a beautiful dark purple that fades into a pinker, lighter plum color. Methinks I see either Icarus or Peacock Feathers in my future. Excuse the blatent evidence of peeking into the skein here. Felt a bit naughty prying away the top layers to show off the innards here, but wanted to show some of the way the yarn transitions. Here's a better picture on the blog of Christina's friend. Methinks there's a whole slew of naughty, talented knitters/yarn pushers out there on the other side of the country. Ladies, if we meet, let's do coffee... somewhere close to that great yarn shop that it looks like you frequent.

HAND-DYED fingerweight in all my favorite colors... to sock or not to sock, that is the question...

So, jury, what do you think?

Mistress of the Knitting Jury, how do you find Christina?

Well, Your Honor, this was a difficult case for us what with all that cause and effect mumbo jumbo, but it really came down to that last piece of evidence. Hand-dyed yarn. I mean, really, can anyone less than a knitting saint send away gorgeous hand-dyed yarn? I know that I for one would’ve hoarded that baby for my own greedy little fingers. And she nailed her pal’s favorite colors? Saint, I tell ya, saint…

So, that’s the decision. Looks like Christina is officially a Yarn Doctor and a Saint too. I’m not sure if she is a doctor, plays one on TV, or if she just plays doctor at home (you’ll have to ask her hubby about that one *cough, cough*), but she seems to know the best way to treat a fever is to send chocolate and yarn and leave me to be pathetic, while fondling yarn and planning more projects.

So, Dr. Christina, thank you, thank you, thank you for your miracle cures.

Vacation is Hard Work

Another fast and furious trip to visit the fam has left me completely exhausted. Aren't you supposed to come home from traveling with recharged batteries? My batteries aren't just kaput, they're leaking some nasty battery acid down the back of my throat. I'm not sure which lovely clan member gave me this sore throat/cold bug, but I'll be sure to save some germs for retaliation at Christmas.

In my little blog hiatus there were quilts finished, socks knit and a great secret pal present received. So much to post about, but that (like my laundry, answering phone messages and dumping out the moldy science projects in the fridge) will have to have to wait until I've recovered from vacation.

Christina, if you're reading this, you totally surprised me. I had someone else on the list picked out as my spoiler. I think I've already got plans for the yarn you sent... I've been reading knitting books in bed today since I can't seem to manage much else. A present-worthy post to come tomorrow. Thanks!

Green Acres Is the Place For Me

After the previous attempt at visiting my family *ahem*, I've checked my reservation multiple (an obscenely obsessive number of) times just to be sure that I have a room in Nowheresville, Indiana tomorrow night. I'm off to quilt camp and some good ol' farm livin' for a week.

I'll try not to gloat about real biscuits and gravy and homemade ice cream too much... or sweet corn fresh from the field... or all the other lovely fried foods that I will be consuming with wild abandon.

Running in Circles

***This is another of my “finding more happiness” posts so no knitting to report. Just wanted to start with my caveat about writing like this. Nothing is wrong. No need to worry, mom. I’m just trying to make a few lifestyle and perspective changes and I’ve written up some of my journals into more presentable blog entries to share with a few friends who are trying to make similar lifestyle/perspective changes. Just a set of thoughts I’m throwing out there…***

Do you ever feel like you’re a little hamster, running away as fast as you can to keep your little circle spinning? Perhaps you’re a juggler, trying to keep all those pesky little balls up in the air, moving in a circle about your head? Or maybe you’re the trickster at the circus, running to and fro to keep all the plates spinning atop skinny, wobbly sticks?

The thing that’s struck me about these metaphors is that things are just spinning, moving in a circle but never going anywhere. The plates sit flat on their skewers if you’re really, really good, but they aren’t actually producing productive movement. But boy are you tired from running around trying to keep it all going.

This feeling of endless sprinting without actual movement has been part of why I wanted to think more about happiness. The “happiness” that I’m trying to encourage in my life is largely made up qualities such as calmness, peacefulness, being in control or at least feeling like I’m in control of my progress toward something, even if that’s just progressing on this path of life that I’ve undertaken. Maybe I’m just holding onto pipedreams, but I have this hunch that fulfillment is intimately connected to finding a state of peace with the demands of life. Lately, though, I just keep trying to keep the plates spinning, trying to keep up.

Isn’t there more to life than keeping up?

What about enjoying a nice, big dinner on those plates… which, of course, are Homer Laughlin china from one of our antique hunts of yore. And hey, I like my dishes… all 30 sets of them. It was actually a set of china that got me to start the blog. I found a great deal at Goodwill and wanted to share pictures of the spoils with the fam.

Anyway, those dishes… that I bought last summer… where are they? Currently busy getting dusty in the cabinet. I’ve yet to have time to wash them, put them on the table and serve a summer-y meal with cutesy little flowers and petit fours as I’d dreamt when I brought them home. I have a lot of those dreams, plans and schemes. Yet it seems it’s always plans that get started and don’t get off the ground around here. How often do I say, “I’m gonna…?” How often do I say, “I did…?” Not hard to do the math on that one. The “gonna’s” win hands down. Yet, it’s not for lack of effort. I really try to make the “gonna’s” reality, but somehow, I never pull it off.

That’s the thing with running in circles…it’s not productive and it’s repetitive. I can run and run, but I’m just back to where I started. And each time around, I’m a little slower, a little winded, and very frustrated. So the more I run, the worse it gets. The worse it gets, the more I try to make up for it, get things together, try to make a fresh start.

But so far my “fresh start” is simply to change the pattern of china that’s spinning atop the sticks.

I undertake some new motivational scheme. Maybe I switch my job as an adjunct teacher or a secretary or an office person, shuffling between G.A. and T.A. and M.I.A., hoping that this semester, this year, this is going to be the time that I get it all together. Or maybe it’s a new goal at the gym. This workout plan will be the one that transforms my body into the lean, mean hottie machine that makes all my worries about dates and clothes go away. Or maybe the ticket is the relationship. This will be my knight in shining armor with a trust fund and a penchant for adventure. Even when I’m trying to be realistic about my plans, it’s more of the same. I caffeinate, suit up, and just know that this weekend I’m going to get the apartment clean, finish a draft of this chapter, polish off a knitting or quilting project and set about my perfect life. But really, it’s just changing my china pattern. The plates are still up there spinning.

I’ve known for a long time that I worry too much, try to run around and please others too much, always feel behind, and so on and so forth. I just can’t figure out how to get the plates from atop those spindly little sticks to the table. And putting a meal on them… hey, at this point I’d settle for take-out leftovers with a plastic spoon.

So, I need a new metaphor. I want to sit down and enjoy my plates… and the meal on them. I love reading the posts over at Posie Gets Cozy. I love seeing the pictures of her dinner parties and her recent post about preparing those meals really captured the dream that I want to pursue. But how to make this dream a reality rather than just another place setting spinning in the air?

Inevitably, it seems that I’m going to be dealing with some broken china.

How do you institute change, especially one that’s got more to do with giving up than adding to the demands of life? I can tell myself over and over that my priorities are simple right now. (1) Finish diss. (2) Be healthier. (3) Have a cleaner, neater, more organized home. Seems like there are three plates. Let the quilting one fall to the ground for now. Maybe I can drop the dating plate for awhile and use Saturday nights for writing. Or maybe if I switch out the “run a marathon” exercise plate, which is really more of a platter, with a tiny little “take a walk every day” saucer…

Or maybe I just let everything crash to the ground and start over with a mosaic of broken pieces… Yeah, a crafty project… because I need another one of those…

Logically, I know the answer is to work daily on a little bit on each of my three areas of greatest concern. Simplification is a matter of making choices and then living by those choices. It promises ease of mind, professional and personal rewards, and potentially even time and energy for other, more enjoyable activities. So why is it so hard to save these plates and let the rest fall?

The difficulty especially makes no sense since I know that ultimately, those dropped plates won’t shatter into a million pieces. I can always start quilting more after the diss is finished. I’m certainly not planning to enter a convent so dating will always be an option, and likely a more enjoyable one when I feel like I can enter into a relationship without the strain of an uncertain professional life and a negative body image. And that marathon… people run their first marathon at all ages.

The only answer that I seem to come to is that those “other plates,” the ones that aren’t so important, are actually preferable in a non-logical way. They promise immediate distraction and potentially, immediate reward. Maybe they’re not really plates but teapots, gravy boats and berry bowls. Really, we need standard dinner plates. But in antique collecting, aren’t the side pieces much more appealing? Who wants to pursue a standard dinner plate when some frilly little piece with lots of curves and frou frou can be had? Who wants to work on a dissertation, which will need much more than a day’s or weekend’s or year’s worth of work, when a trip to the mall promises a whole new look for fall in only a few hours?

So I run around the table again, spinning all those plates one more time. As summer starts to fade into the frenetic pace of the academic year, I can feel the tension levels rising on campus as people make copies of their syllabi and new students try to figure out where their classes are, the school supplies are stocked in all the stores and I’m trying to finish my tasks before I go home for the summertime visit. I’m reviewing my list of summer goals and realizing just how few have been checked off and if that’s a problem of my list making or my working tactics. Likely, it’s a bit of both.

I suppose this means I’m ready for the plates to break. Better go find a broom in case this gets messy.

Gone

Come back soon, Hilda and Maya.


Buffalo misses you already.

What a Wonderful Feeling

Dropping off a huge months-long project in the UPS delivery box fifteen minutes before their last pick-up on Friday evening at 6.30...

It just doesn't get any better than that.

Now to return to a normal human... well, for tonight at least.

Tomorrow starts the countdown to a deadline for my next chapter. 75 pages by Wednesday... no problem...

Well, that's what I'm telling myself now. I'll let you know how that one feels if I make it.

I'm really glad my knitting doesn't come with deadlines. Well, besides those holidays and birthdays but those dates are flexible, right?

Bad Signs

Today, on the hottest day ever, they shut off the air conditioners on campus and told us to save on electricity by shutting down computers, copiers, and so on, including overhead lights. Yeah, because a lot of work gets done at a university without computers.

When I came home after that sweat-fest, one of my framed diplomas had mysteriously fallen to the floor.

It's too hot for school.

So why in the hell do I have to go back there tomorrow?

Secret Pal Group Questions

1. What is your favorite season?

Fall! Can’t wait to wear sweaters again and coats and boots… I love that brief time when it’s chilly but there’s no snow, when you can go outside and run around but are pretty happy when you get to come back inside for a warm cup of coffee. I think I usually clap when I see the first bit of color on the changing trees. Yes, I’m that dorky.

2. Where is or would be your favorite place in the world to take a vacation?

Right now I’m dreaming of a trip to Johannisburg and Cape Town, South Africa. (Don’t worry, Mom. I won’t tell you the scary details of my adventure until I’m home safe and sound.) If that doesn’t pan out, I’m hoping to try India. You gotta dream big, right?

My favorite place to go so far has been weekends in the Catskills, Adirondacks or Poconos… just a tiny little cabin, boardgames, knitting, wine and a boy. I’ve ditched that particular boy, but the rest of it sounds nice. Maybe I should start looking for another fella since fall in a cabin is pretty darn nice…

3. If you could have any job in the world and not worry about finances (everything would be taken care of), which means you'd be doing something you actually like, what would it be?

I’d probably be a writer… which I guess is kinda what I am. But I’d be a novelist with unlimited funds, a room of my own (as Ms. Woolf prescribes), and hours to dream, plot and play with words. And of course I’d be hooked up with a publisher who adored me and published whatever drivel I managed to spew out.

Other dream jobs include an interior decorator, high-powered editor at a fabulous magazine or publishing house (just saw The Devil Wears Prada and a big part of me would love to be Miranda just for a bit… evil, snarky comments and all…), quilter/knitter/crafter extraordinaire, graphic designer, and some days even an engineer. Those are the days I’ve spent too many hours at the office writing about job promotions for engineering alumni.

And although I hesitate to say this for fear of jinxing myself, I really do think being an English professor would be pretty cool. So, Mr. Universe-Controller, think we could work something out on that one? Pretty please.

4. What is your favorite project to knit or crochet?

Any one that actually works! Seriously, so far it’s been things that offer some challenge for me to figure out. I’m enjoying working on the Mystery Stole lace project because I have to think, use pens and highlighters and doo dads and what nots. It’s slow and meticulous, but even the few rows I’ve completed are gorgeous. (Due to the pattern, trust me, nothing to do with my skills.) I enjoyed learning fair isle for my felted bag (which is yet to be lined and put into rotation) or even figuring out mattress stitch (the right way) for my last sweater. I don’t think I’ve had a roaring success in the knitting department, but if I do, you’ll be the first to know!

5. What is your favorite food - whether it be a main dish, dessert, snack, whatever?

Grandma’s gooey butter cake… divine. Or maybe sweet corn from the family farm… homemade ice cream… Grandma’s rolls… biscuits and gravy from dirty greasy spoons (the restaurants, not actual dirty spoons)…

Yeah, it’s no wonder I need to exercise more!

6. What is your favorite way to relax and unwind?

If I’m stressed after a hard day, I enjoy hitting the gym until I’m exhausted, then coming home to a nice bath with fancy bubbles or bath salts and a glass of wine. When I’m too pooped for that, give me a DVD of old CSI episodes and some mindless sock knitting. I used to enjoy curling up on my back porch with a book but now books = work, so blech!

Let's Twist Again...

Despite the scorching weather, I've been working on a bit of cool weather yumminess... Trellis.

As with any project on or off my needles, there are mucho mucho mistakes, but eh, it's a baby sweater "learner" project for cabling. I've done the Irish Hiking Scarf but wanted more practice reading cable charts and there are several babies coming into my world soon so I figured, perfect combo of learning a technique and checking off a shower gift.

I tried working on my cabling without a needle techniqe and it was soundly declared a disaster. For one, I'm working with acrylic (yeah, I know, but I'm stash diving for this one...) and it doesn't "stick" to itself very well.* So when you pop those little babies off the needle to do the switcharoo, they want to just jump all over the place. Not good. Then there's the thinking.... "So, do I bring this around this way or this way? What order should these be in?" It seems oh so simple, but for this little brain, simple was too much to handle. I found that I was enjoying the knitting much more with the assurance of that cable needle and in the long run, it was much faster to stick it in and take it out every little bit than to try to process the stitch switcharoo. Part of me felt like I was "supposed to" do it the "cool" way, but then the friendly voices in my head reminded me of my "bad ass knitter" status and if I want to be a tool and use a tool, then I darn well will. Does anyone else have that feeling? That you're supposed to do things using some hot shot shortcut, even though you're down with taking the long way?

Maybe I need more work at this "bad ass" frame of mind...

Anyway, I definitely think cabling has earned some cool points in my knitting book. I decided to sign up for the Central Park Hoodie Knitalong starting in September. I've got some Cascade 220 lingering in the stash, intended for a Rogue sweater but I think I'll get more wear out of a hoodie and it'll be nice to be knitting something with others rather than years behind. And then there's the Curvalicious Cardi to do... and the Mystery Stole to finish... and more babies coming...

Maybe the tool that I really need is the ability to say no to new knitting projects!

*For some reason, knitting with this stuff (Wool-Ease) in this heat has been really sticky. Isn't it supposed to be real wool that's a pain in the summer? This junk is sticking to my metal needles and to my hands... very icky. Just another lesson in the "why not to use crappy yarn" handbook.

Can I Get a "Woot Woot?"

Dontcha just hate looking at someone’s blog and seeing them brag about their glorious children, adoring husbands and stunning sweaters that hug every curve (or lack of curve) on their perfect bodies? Yeah, don’t worry, I’m all about keepin’ it real. None of that kind of bragging going on here. I’ll spare you the pics, but you’ll just have to believe me that my life is more about dirty dishes in the sink, Saturday nights with books and knitting, and the curves on this body should definitely not be hugged by my so-so sweater knitting abilities. But… I do get to brag.

I won a tape measure keychain! And not just any ol’ tape measure keychain… an Amazing Lace tape measure with magical powers that will ensure I will get spot-on gauge. I think it may even be so powerful that it will actually bring out finished projects simply by having it in my notions bag. Hey, a girl can dream, right?

I know this probably sounds like I’m being facetious, but really, I think it’s pretty cool and I needed a little bright spot in Casa de Chaos.

All this for churning out a little sestina action...

Now to actually knit some lace so I can measure it!

*Big thanks go to Rachel and Theresa for all their work on this knitalong. I've enjoyed seeing all the posts (well, some of the posts... I'm only human (unlike you two) so I only get to keep up on a fraction of the updates). It's a big creative boost to get an assignment and have to try out something crazy. I like that there's no finish deadline or even pressure to keep working on the same thing. Just knit a little lace when you can, when it strikes your fancy... that's my kind of knitting!

The Addiction is Real

Socks, socks, socks... gotta knit socks...

Plain 'n Easy Socks

Yarn: Lion Brand Magic Stripes, less than 1 skein
Needles: Addis Magic Loop style... need to look up the size again...
Pattern: Hodge podge
Date Started: February 2006 (Knitting Olympics training socks)
Date Finished: July 2006
Recipient: My greedy tootsies
Notes: I just CO 58 stitches, 1 inch of 1x1 ribbing, stockinette for awhile, standard slip stitch heel, then my usual toe. Have I been knitting socks long enough to have a usual toe? Well, it's the only one I've done so I guess it counts. I like it. No need to change when you find something you like and you just want to whip out a pair of socks. Nothing fancy, just easy socks for TV watching and chatting with friends. I still have to look at a few of my reference guides for the heel and gusset info, but most of this is just around and around and around... my kind of knitting...

I immediately cast on for my second Trekking sock after finishing these. The first one came in the middle of these as a sort of intermission and since I just couldn't wait to bust out my new yarn. I can now see why people swear they have to have socks on the needles. They're portable, easy for knitting while socializing or being mindless, and the yarn is just so much fun to collect. Not that I'll be collecting this kind of yarn any more, but it was in the stash. I do like the blues and purples and really, my tootsies aren't that high class. We can hang with the Lion Brand.

Well, to a degree. Tomorrow I'll post about another stash project that is turning me away from another of their fine, or not-so-fine, products. The pattern is great, the product is not.

The Pursuit of Happiness

Recently, a friend turned me onto this book on happiness. I try to think of myself as a happy person. I want to be happy. I try to be happy. I’d say the vast majority of people who see me day to day think of me as happy. I smile quite a bit. I try to be friendly. I can usually pull out a joke or two when needed.

But really, to be entirely honest, I don’t really feel particularly happy, or at least not generally happy, not the kind of happy that some people just have. You know the kind… the people who seem to possess happiness in an ever-abundant supply, the people who may be upset or frustrated or downright sad about things in life, but there’s a deeper happiness that’s just waiting to take the stage as soon as the moment passes. Even if you saw them at their worst, you’d still walk away and call them a happy person.

Now don’t get me wrong. There is absolutely nothing wrong. Life has actually been pretty good as of late. I’ve been doing fun things, enjoying my friends, even having a spot of good luck with my work. But as to that inner happiness, it would use some work. I’d say I have a little, tiny glimmer of that kind of happiness that I desire, but it’s pretty close to draught mode on any given day.

I don’t like that. That’s not the Leslie I want to be.

So, I started reading the book. I also started reading these books.

I started reading stuff on this website

I started reading blogs and magazines and I started writing journal entries. I started taking lots of baths and long walks, just thinking about happiness.

And I’ve processed a lot of it, and I’ve struggled with more of it, and I’ve gotten downright frustrated and angry about even more of it.

But I’m ready to give it a go.

And I’m taking the blog with me.

Now this may be bordering on the line of a really, really, super terrific bad idea. Announcing your psychosis, neurosis and general screwed-up-sis to the world, uh, yeah, not exactly subtle. But isn’t that why we read Crazy Aunt Purl or She Just Walks Around With It? Or maybe that’s just part of why I read them. I read posts that are real, that involve real thinking, real personal development and I’m entranced. I suppose it may just be schadenfreude,* but I think it’s something more that draws me in. And I’m not the only one, as convinced by the number of commentors who seem genuinely touched to read a real story written with feeling and style. (Now I’m not promising either of those, but I’ll try to include a story or two every now and then…)

I think there are quite a few of us that need to up our happiness stockpile. I think there are a lot of us that aren’t ready to be committed to a funny farm just yet, but there’s something off. We’re in a funk, not really full-blown depression but more just funk. We need to find something more. Maybe we’re unhappy with our job, our personal life, our friendships, our homes, our bodies, our relationship to the greater world and the devastation going on all around us… but I think we’re all hurting a little bit and I want to see if there’s a way that I, at least, can get more happiness and less frustration, less anxiety, less hurt.

And who knows, maybe the three of you that are still sticking around this fairly pathetic blog will want to bolt for the hills. But the posts I’ve enjoyed writing have been those where I’ve been thinking aloud, wondering about materiality and consumerism and my penchant for choosing the color white when I get stressed out. And I think one or two people have told me they enjoy reading them. So I guess I’m just giving you a warning. There will be knitting coming up, don’t worry, but I can guarantee you aren’t coming here for the knitting content. If so, O wayward knitter, go look at the experts. Really, me and my Lion Brand stash aren’t going to get you anywhere but in trouble with a whole bunch of ill-fitting acrylic sweaters that’ll get you a superstar on You Knit What? Expert knitter I am not… mediocre knitter I only am when I really, really concentrate… Frog pond queen, now we’re talking…

Anyway, just to clarify before my mom starts calling or I start sounding like a total sad sack… I’m not devastated. There’s nothing really wrong. I really have nothing terrible to complain about, but that only seems to make the funk more difficult. Things are just… not good. And that makes my outlook… not good. Stress levels are high. My grouchiness is high. My shoulders are high… odd little way I physically carry stress and unhappiness… my shoulders look like they’re pretty much even with my ears. It’s attractive, really. True, I don’t have the job of my dreams, a guy that’s more significant than a Flavor of the Month, a fancy house, fast sports car, killer abs, or even an awesome knitting project to show off. There are lots of things that are making me unhappy. But I also don’t have a serious illness, a recent death to mourn, creditors coming to lock me up, or a lack of supportive friends and family.

I’m just not as happy as I want to be.

So this project is just about upping the happiness quotient at Chez Leslie. I just thought that I’d share a little of my journal type writing. It may not be anything worth reading, but maybe someone else in a funk will find something here that’s worthwhile. Maybe those of you fortunate ones that are clearly in the happiness camp will share your secrets and wisdom. Maybe I’ll get bored and move on to some other new project or scheme or idea. I have no idea.

* By the way, I recently got the soundtrack to Avenue Q. Must. See. This. I mean, c’mon, they have a song titled “What do you do with a B.A. in English?” Damned if I know, but I do know this little theatrical treat will be worth a trip to the city in the near future.

Certainly No Shakespeare Here

Uh… yeah… so hope you’re not going to hold me to any standards of eloquence here after that last post.

Thank you all for the emails and comments yesterday. I feel a little sheepish about putting it out there, especially since it’s a professional publication and I try to at least be conscious of the blogging code of separation of professional and personal. I don’t always succeed, but I try. Anyway, to clarify, it’s a research essay that has been accepted for a collection that will be made into a book, or at least I think so. I’m new to all of this so I’m not entirely positive on the way something goes from my ramblings on my trusty laptop to pages sandwiched between hard covers in the library but I guess I’ll be finding out very soon. Just an essay… just 25 pages of historical research with my own little bit of spin… just an entry in a table of contents and a line on the CV…

But it’ll be my 25 pages of spin…

As far as the big diss, well, it’s going about as well as the Big Dig. I just hope that I don’t hurt anyone with the chunks that are suffering the fate of the red editing pen. Right now, there are many, many more pages in the trash can than in the keeper pile. Oh well, I’ve been told that’s the nature of the beast.

Sometimes though all you need is a little shot in the arm to keep you going. I’m a simple girl, really, don’t need too much attention or too much praise. So yes, I’m pretty happy with this news. I needed it and wanted to share it with anyone who happened upon my little corner of the Internet. I’ll trot out a few more pages, look up a few more articles and throw away a whole bunch more. Someday my name will be on the title page… someday…

Whoever happens to stumble on this entry, here’s to a little hope. We’ll stumble through this mess of life together and every so often we’ll get exciting emails when we turn on our computers.

*Gulp*

I just got published...

... in a real book and everything.

I'll be in the library revising and panicking.

Off the Deep End

I have lost my bloody mind. In the next few weeks I need to finish a newsletter that goes out to 22,000 readers, submit another draft of the current dissertation chapter and get everything ready for a 10-day family visit to Missouri, including a quilt camp weekend.

So this morning I decided to start two new projects...

Since my Knitpicks order came, I jumped on the bandwagon of the Mystery Stole 2. Surprisingly my order came within a week. I ordered two sets of their new needles to give them a spin and ooh la la, I think these little puppies are going to make fast work of lace. If I wasn't totally addicted to this project and wanting to get in a few more rows before crashing, I'd give you the scoop on what I've learned from the knit-along. There will be time for that, I'm sure. I'll likely be working on this one until I'm in the nursing home.

And since it's baby time around these parts, I start Trellis. So far so good on this one although my attempt at learning to cable without a cable needle still needs some fine tuning. Don't look closely or you'll see several mistakes. The good knitter in me is saying that I should rip down and correct them, but the naughty knitter is reminding me that the whole sweater will likely be covered in spit up shortly after its debut so why bother. I'm going with the naughty knitter on this one. (Check out Yarn Kitty's stitch markers... what did I ever do before my secret pal hooked me up?)

So I'll be in the local loony bin if you need me. Bring your knitting. It'll be a party!

Say "Yes!"

(No, not to THAT question… And don’t even think that’s where this post is going, Mom!)

Anyway, yesterday I went to the beach with Laurie and her three-year-old. We had been discussing a knitting night but due to unforeseen circumstances (namely a mother-in-law needing emergency surgery post sidewalk fall), our evening of yarn and cocktails was changed to a day of lake and sand. On Thursday evening, when Laurie suggested the alternate plan, I almost gave my usual response, “No, I shouldn’t go to the beach all day because I need to work.” It’s automatic really, the “No, I shouldn’t…” Somewhere in my mind, I’ve trained myself that “No, I shouldn’t replace my ratty wardrobe until I lose weight.” “No, I shouldn’t go out for drinks so I can get up early to work.” “No, I shouldn’t go for a walk until I write a few more pages.” “No, I shouldn’t buy yarn until I use up every yard of what I own.”

Really, the mantra is that “No, I shouldn’t have a life until I finish the dissertation, become movie star thin, and have a perfect apartment.” Yeah, we all know how well that plan is gonna go…

So this week, I practiced saying “Yes!” Well, "Yes!" to everything but blogging...

After Monday’s gloomy post, I had a productive writing day on Tuesday, endured/enjoyed an intense, super-sweaty workout and then said “Sure!” when Laurie asked me to go for a walk. I even said “Yippee” when she suggested we go for ice cream… despite knowing that would mean walking on Elmwood, the place to see and be seen, and specifically, not to be seen sporting the stinky gym look (and smell). So after four hours of exercise, my body was just on the point of collapsing when I got terrific news from home. I’ve got baby knitting to do! Now that deserves a “Yes!” It also deserves many, many postings about the knitting objects to be completed. Let the cuteness commence.

Wednesday brought yet more opportunities to actually just relax and enjoy a bit of summertime fun. At the office we have monthly “Warm and Fuzzies.” Yes, I too was a little worried the first time I got the “warm and fuzzy” announcement while sitting in my concrete box, typing away as a good writer should. Barely knowing anyone, I was just told, “Come on, it’s warm and fuzzy time.” Um, yeah, okay, see, I need to work on this little article about Joe Schmoe getting a job promotion and I really don’t think I’m ready for whatever or whomever goes by the name of ‘warm and fuzzy.’ Of course, I should’ve known it was going to be about food, as pretty much everything in the office has to do with food. Basically, once a month the office gets together for an hour (or two) of fun and silliness (and food). I once thought that it was a bit of a waste. You mean we’re getting paid to go do a wine and cheese tasting? I’m supposed to go enjoy an ice cream sundae now? The longer I’ve been at the office though I’ve seen how these little events are actually rather wise management. I talk to people I rarely see, even though they are just at the other end of the hall. By conversing about what we did over the weekend, we foster relationships that usually lead to agreements to stay a little late to help on a big project or stopping our own work to assist someone else stuck on a problem. Maybe this philosophy of a little work and a little play has something to it…

Anyway, after earning a respectable second place for the washer toss (lost to the Dean… I think it’s only right to lose to the big boss), I decided to take in a little shopping, another of my usual denials. (Yes, there was more yarn at the clearance sale… since I didn’t get enough glittery acrylic crap the first time.) I had to run a few errands at the mall and lo and behold there were clearance sales at my favorite shops. I was able to stay within budget and get a few updates for summer/fall wear. Thursday brought another opportunity for fun with a dinner out and then Friday’s sand and sun expedition topped off what turned out to be a really great week.

Of course a great week means a weekend with the diss, but could be worse. At least I have the memories of getting out and about to inspire me to keep my nose to the grindstone until the next opportunity to say “yes” comes my way. So, since it's summer, let's make a deal. When someone asks if we'd like to get out there, enjoy life a little, try something new, or shoot, buy yarn, let's all say "yes." The work (and the stash) will be here waiting for us come fall.

Random Addendums (with more to come):

* Thanks for all the comments on my kerplunk off the non-stashing wagon. I’m not sure any of you would help with the “to stash or not to stash” question as I think you all are complete enablers! Dangerous, dangerous ladies! The latest trip to the sale meant I bought fabric. I really have a disease. It's contagious. Consider yourself warned.
* I'll post info soon on Buffalo area yarn stores, Pam. They're definitely worth a trip from your area.
* Since I've decided to go completely hog-wild with my knitting projects (and never finish a thing... ever again), I signed up for the Mystery Stole 2 and the Yarn Aboard exchange. I really am truly hopeless.
* I may just post some knitting content soon. That is, unless I start a new project...

I Caved

Well, the moment you’ve been waiting for since December… I bought yarn. I was doing just fine, just sticking to the stash and avoiding the new project lure… and then, *bam*… out of nowhere one of those store closing signs jumped out into the street and wrestled me into a clearance sale. I was powerless to resist.

I’m not sure if this is local or national, but our Hancock Fabrics store is closing up shop and has things marked down. Truth be told, I’m not surprised. Their fabric selection was decent, but couldn’t really compete with JoAnn’s variety or the specialty shop’s quality. Their yarn selection was all Lion Brand, all the time so not enough to really draw in the yarn customers. I think their home dec fabric was pretty nice, but again, the casual consumer is going to go to JoAnn’s and serious decorators are going to use a higher quality product.

But even more than that, I avoided the place due to their customer service… or lack thereof. Yes, I may gripe about the big box store of JoAnn’s where you better know what you need before you go in there because you’re not going to get much advice once you’re wandering the aisles, but this place was pretty bad. They never seemed to have enough employees to keep both the cutting table and the cash register going at the same time. Yes, that means two competent people at a time… tough, I’m sure. It seems like a simple concept… customer service. Maybe we take it for granted as American consumers who are used to being courted. But I either want to be left alone in places like Target, where you expect to get zilch for customer service, or I want to be helped. I didn’t go in there looking for advice. I can sew, knit and everything in between, thank you very much. Just cut my fabric in a reasonably straight line and don’t make me wait for 15 minutes before you get a cashier to the front of the store. Often, these two demands were ignored. But anyway, they’re closing and they’re having a sale.

Things have been a little on the stressful side around chez Leslie (thus the lack of blog posting) and there are a few known coping strategies around these parts, for better or more likely, for worse. I shopped.

I was hoping to end the yarn diet with some fabulous purchase to end all purchases. Eh, not so much. I caved on some black Glitterspun to either make this shrug from Knitty or try to design some sort of lace bolero. I convinced myself that I needed this to go with a halter top I’ve started cutting out. Granted, summer will be over and the halter top/bolero/shrug layered combo look will be oh so over before I finish (or start) either of these, but whoever said I was timely in my fashion choices. The yarn was 50% off and I’m sure I can find a use for black yarn with silver glitter. And since I was caving, I got some sock yarn and wool as well, just for good measure. It was all Lion Brand, as pathetic as that is. Laurie has since informed me of her great disappointment with my collapse at the sight of cheap acrylic, but at least I didn’t totally go for Red Heart or something. It could be worse… maybe.

And then, hell, since I was on a bender, I placed a Knitpicks order. I started justifying it by saying that it is partially for my secret pal, but then I just caved and ordered two sets of needles and laceweight for me since I joined the Mystery Stole II KAL.

Yes, when stressed I run from my problems by buying yarn and signing up for complicated lace projects. At least I’m not a crack addict who turns to the pipe when all ain’t well in diss-land. Well, not yet anyway… I’m only on chapter two.

Anyway, happy post tomorrow, I promise.

Oh, and the contest winner, Erica, will be treated to a dinner on me. I thought about knitting something for the winner, but we all know that would never happen.

So will I wait until Rhinebeck for my next hit or will this be the start of something very, very bad…

Sock it to me

Although the Trekking socks have yet to undertake a maiden voyage into the wilderness, the first one is nearing completion.

I'm using colorway #135 and a chevron pattern from Sensational Socks, I think. I'll check those details when I'm not too tired to get up from the desk. The pattern is easy to memorize and I got to try out a new heel.

It's a before-thought heel, or something to that effect. Despite the gaping hole there that will need a little sewing action, me likey. The look of a short-row (sorta) but without the fuss of purling... a winner with me!

Random note: Yarn Kitty, it's a good thing you're (a) anonymous (for now) and (b) far away because you could get this knitter into trouble. Are you thinking of doing the pink and brown cardigan in Big Girl Knits? That was one of the reasons I recently bought the book. I may just be going to investigate Calmer colors. I see blue and brown for fall... Have you found the knitalong group on Yahoo? Guess you can't tell me if you're a regular poster there, but so far I'm just a lurker. Must finish up some of the projects in the queue before jumping in there. But great book that will give me many future projects!